My baby boy is 6 months old!

Everyone always says, "Enjoy them while they are little because they don't stay little for long."  How true that is.  There were so many nap times in those early days where I thought to myself, you really should lay him down and go take a nap yourself.  Most of the time, I just kept on cuddling my little newborn, trying to memorize all of him.  His smell, his cute little "Bird" mouth, the sleepy smiles and sounds.  Even though I tried my hardest to enjoy those moments, and be in that moment with Paxson, it still feels so long ago, and like such a haze.  Some of it is probably because I was exhausted.  But, it really does go by so fast, and before you know it, you have a slobbery, loud mouthed, rolly, giggly, baby who resembles that newborn, but is becoming such a little person.  It is amazing the growth both physically, and developmentally that takes place those first 6 months.  Looking back at photos, I am still astounded at how much Paxson has grown and changed.

It is such a bittersweet feeling watching your baby grow.  I feel so grateful for each milestone reached, and yet at the same time, there is a small ache at the realization that Paxson won't stay little for long.  I think part of it is because I have enjoyed and loved Paxson so much at every age, and it is hard to let go of that age.  Sometimes it is definitely trading up, and that has mainly been the case, but I also know he will reach ages that are difficult for me as a parent.  He won't always want me to hold him, he soon won't fall asleep on my shoulder, or giggle during peek-a-boo.  It makes me sad to think about, but I try to think about how fun that next age will be, and how awesome it is to watch him learn new things, and become his own person.  So during the sleepless nights, (because Paxson has been an awful sleeper lately) I try to cuddle my baby at 2am,  and remind myself that this too shall pass.  It won't be long before I'm longing for those late night nursing sessions, and for the baby that wakes up needing his mama.  

Now for 6 months worth of photos crammed into one post...

This is one of the first Photos taken of my son.  I had my camera ready in the delivery room for my sister to snap a few photos of our first moments together.  I am so thankful for these photos even though most of them won't be shared on here (or anywhere) as my nurse was getting ready for the "baby crawl" so my boob makes an appearance in most of them.  

This is one of the first photos I took of Paxson.  It was after he was bathed, and we were still in the delivery room.  The nurse must have thought I was crazy as it was 2 am, only a few hours after Pax was born, and here I was snapping photos.  

The day after he was born.  His skin looks yellow in this photo because it was yellow.  He was a little jaundiced because he was early.

Snuggled with daddy the morning of the day we went home.  So much hair!

One of my favorites.  He was just a few days old, and the weather was nice enough to be outside so we did a few family photos.

5 days old

8 days old-Paxson's birth announcement.

2 weeks old

 Another at two weeks.  One of my faves!

About a month old during our Christmas card photos

Christmas card photo

 The next three are from his 3 month old shoot

With his auntie at 3 and a half months.

 At almost 4 months old for his Valentine's Day cards.

With mom on Valentine's Day

 At 5 and a half months old.  

 I have taken so many photos of my little man, but these are just some of my favorites. Maybe sometime I will share some of my phone photos as I have a ton of those as well.  I will hopefully be taking his 6 month photos this weekend weather permitting as I am dying to shoot him outside.  Fingers crossed it gets done!  

Juggling

I've read a few very honest blog posts this week about being a mom, and those are the blogs I am most drawn to, the honest and open ones.  I have always said that I want this blog to not only be a professional place for me, but also a personal outlet so I thought I would spend a little time today and get you caught up on how things are going.  This will probably be one of those posts with run-on sentences, and crappy transitions, and I'm tired so it might not all make sense-you've been warned.

A few nights ago Kevin and I had a friend visit us, actually he was in town for an entirely different reason but it was kind of one of those two birds with one stone things.  Anyways, he has always been the single type, and he made a comment about marriage that caught me a little off guard.  He claims that the only reason to get married is to have kids.  I pretty much kept my mouth shut because I think it's b.s. and I didn't want to get into it, but later I asked my hubby about it.  We both know that we are not solely in this marriage for the babies.  Obviously when we got married we both knew we wanted children, but that was not the sole reason we entered this marriage.  We genuinely like spending time with each other and have fun together. We don't always have fun, and we don't always like to do everything together, but we share similar interests and we generally like the same things.  Over the years we have become two halves of a whole.  I can honestly say that we without a doubt did not get married just to have children, and last I checked you don't have to be married to have a baby.  If all I wanted was a baby, I could have made that happen.  I wanted a family.  Kevin and I both agree that we did not know what happiness was until we had Paxson.  I know it is sooo cliche to say that, and it is something you are supposed to say, but it is the God's honest truth.  We have never been happier.   (don't worry, this isn't going to be a look at how happy I am post)  So I guess I don't know why I felt so defensive when he made that comment.  I know the truth, my hubby knows the truth, does this friend honestly think we are only together for children?  Maybe I am so defensive because I am still trying to navigate my new role as mother, and not let it completely take over me. But I have to admit that I LOVE being a mother more than I have ever loved being anything else. 

However, that isn't to say that being a parent isn't a lot of work because it is.  It is exhausting and frustrating, there are days when I just don't feel like I have it together at all.  This week has been one of those weeks.  Paxson is teething or has something going on because he is not sleeping well at all.  It feels like such a cruel joke because I went from finally getting some decent sleep to feeling like I have a newborn again.  A couple days ago Kevin told me that I should be sleeping when he is sleeping.  In my head I thought yeah right, that crap only flies when he is a few weeks old.  He's almost five months old.  There is no reason for me to be taking naps in the middle of the day.  Then I thought about it a little more. Well why the heck not?  He is getting up every 2 hours at night which means so am I.  I am pooped, I'm taking a nap.  The worst part about doing it is the judgement I pass on myself.  Sure I feel better, but now I'm even further behind on editing, laundry, cleaning, I'm still in sweats, my hair is in a ponytail again, and I'm not wearing make-up.  I seriously need to tell myself to F off once in awhile.  I highly doubt my son cares if I have make-up on so why do I?  Maybe because the UPS guy dropping of the huge box of diapers will notice and judge me for being a stay at home mom who spends her days looking like a slob....why do I care?  (unrelated but seriously Amazon prime is soooo worth it.  So much great baby gear dropped at my front door in two days!  Less time spent at Walmart is a good thing!)  

I told Kevin the other night that I feel like all my relationships are suffering a little except my relationship with Paxson.  Without thinking he basically told me that's how it should be.  Well of course it is how it should be, but why do I feel so bad about it.  I know I am a good mother, and although I don't always get it right, I'm trying and I have a happy and healthy baby to show for it.  

The thing is that not only are my personal relationships taking a back-seat, but so is my business.  For some reason that is even harder for me to accept.  For so long Whitney Lin Photography was my baby, and now I need to trust that I have wonderful clients who will understand if it takes me a while longer to respond to emails, and to finish editing their session.  I need to have faith that people have hired me because they love my work, and they will wait a little longer for their sneak peek because they think I'm worth it.  I wish I truly thought like that all the time, but I don't.  Honestly I have probably lost of few clients because I'm not as on top of it, but that is just something I have to live with.  I told myself that this year I was going to slow down especially in regards to weddings, and now I am at the point where I have to tell people no.  It is hard, but I know I won't regret the decision to spend as much time with my son as possible.  

For now I am juggling, and trying to find some balance between being a mommy, wife, photographer, friend, dog owner, house cleaner, etc.  I know that being able to stay at home with Pax is a luxury, and I am so grateful for that.  However, I know that I can't do it all, and I need to stop being so hard on myself when I fail-let's use the word stumble instead.  I know myself well enough to know that I can't and wont give up photography, and I know that all my work will get done, and it will be up to my standards because that is the type of person I am, so I just need to let go of the worry and self doubt.  Easier said than done, but it needs to be something I work on because I don't have the time or energy for all the self hating and judgement I pass on myself.  I saw a little mantra on pintrest or facebook or somewhere and it went something like- I have enough, I do enough, I am enough.  I am so on board with the "I have enough" part...I don't need reminded of that because I am very blessed, and I don't ever want to take those blessings for granted, it is the doing and being enough part I have a tough time with.  Ok...long post over and you know what, I feel better just getting it out there.

The below photos are from the shoot I did for Paxson's Valentine's day cards.  A little late, but hey it is still February so I can feel ok about that.  The photo at the top was taken by Kevin on Valentine's day.  We found out we were expecting on Valentine's day 2012 so it seemed pretty amazing to be holding our little guy this year.  SO much can happen and change in a year-it is pretty awesome!

3 months old

Paxson is 3 months old!!!  Actually he was 3 months and a week when I took these yesterday, but I'm calling these his 3 month photos.  They were all shot in his nursery.  We moved him out of his bassinet in our room and into his crib a week ago, and although it was a little tough, harder on me than on him probably, I actually am getting much more sleep!  The whole sleep training thing was very necessary as Pax was starting to hate his co-sleeper, and only want to sleep while being held.  In my quest to get just a little bit more sleep, and nurse him in my bed, we were creating a little monster.  I know a lot of parents that co-sleep, some love it, some wish they never started.  I knew I would never love it, and that I would never get any sleep.  I am a light sleeper as is, and it was time to get my bedroom back.  However now that Paxson is out of our room, Penny has reclaimed her place in our bed.  Most nights she ends up right between Kevin and I's heads.  Early this morning after feeding Pax, I came back to bed and she was sleeping in my spot with her pillow on my head.  (just re-read that and couldn't bring myself to fix it-still a little sleep deprived)  She is actually getting over some of her jealousy issues with Paxson, and she is starting to want to play with him and be around him.  She hates when he cries, and she has started howling when he really gets going.  I don't know if this his her way to alert me even though I am well aware of the screaming baby, or if she is just howling to commiserate with him.  Regardless it gets a little loud in the ole Bird house at times.

Anyways, Paxson is really enjoying his nursery which makes me one very happy Mama.  I read during my pregnancy that babies like bright colors, and that it is good for their developing brains which is why his nursery isn't just aqua and grey. (my original plan)  He seems to like the colors, and I can even lay him in his crib and he will happily chat with himself while I do laundry.  

Since I haven't posted much about Pax lately this is my chance to check in...Paxson does not sleep through the night, but we are getting closer.  He isn't waking every two hours anymore, and I am actually getting him on a nap and bedtime schedule!  The boy LOVES to eat!  I love nursing, and I am thankful that I am able to nurse, but it is way more work than I thought it would be.  It is a huge commitment, and I feel like no one ever tells you that before you have the baby.  Or maybe they do, and I just didn't get it.  You do save money doing it, but the time you put into it outweighs the savings.  All that being said though, it is still the only way I would have it.  I really do love that time I get with him, and it has gotten easier.  One thing I worried about was how having a baby would affect our marriage.  Well obviously it completely, 100% changes your marriage, but for us it has been for the better.  There is nothing better than watching your spouse transform into a parent.  My heart swells every time I see Paxson and his Daddy playing or cuddling together.  Paxson looks so much like his dad and I can see Kevin's personality in him as well.  We don't get much alone time together, but we do spend much more time together, it is just as a family now.  We both get excited when Paxson does something new, or makes a new face or sound, and sharing in Paxson has brought us much closer together. 

Our house always feels like it needs cleaning, and there is always a pile of laundry to do, and toys are starting to take over the living room, but being a parent is so truly wonderful.  I am enjoying being a mommy, and other parts of life are just having to take a back seat right now.  I do plan on being a better blogger now that I seem to have him on a schedule.  Most of my posts will continue to be Paxson oriented with the occasional sneak peek so hopefully you like photos of a cute baby :)

Oh how I love those chubby thighs

 Smiling at his daddy

He is really into his hands and trying to put his whole fist in his mouth

 These two close-ups are probably photos only a mommy could love.  Tummy time is a lot of work